Oct 15 2009
HE WAS A FRIEND…IS THIS WHAT FRIENDS DO?
HE WAS A FRIEND…IS THIS WHAT FRIENDS DO?
You said you were my friend….
We talked for hours on end, about boys I liked and about my best friend, your beautiful girlfriend.
You told me I could talk to you about anything…
What you didn’t tell me…what you didn’t tell me is
You were going to wait until I fall asleep
You were going to fondle me and kiss me and hope I don’t wake up
You were going to stick yourself inside me and then tell me I’m crazy because I can’t remember.
You let me believe I am going crazy…
You didn’t tell me you were the reason my woman spot hurt the next morning and why I felt like I needed to visit the doctor
You didn’t tell me you were going to wait until I was too drunk to wake up to have sex with me and violate my body, my trust, my frienship
You didn’t tell me you were the predator I should be afraid of.
My friend, my secret keeper, my best friends boyfriend, the father of her babies….
I guess the man that looked at me a little different than other men… was NOT the man to fear…
The man to fear was YOU.
The man to fear was one of my very best friends, somebody who knew my secrets and somebody who knew everything about me…even how many drinks it took to keep me from waking up so you could do as you pleased….but why?
Why did you want to penetrate my body with your penis and your hands and why did you want to thrust your tongue in my mouth while I laid there, unable to even respond?? Why did you do that?
Friends? No… Sexual predator? I don’t know…how do you call a friend a sexual predator?? But how does a friend do that to someone they care about?
How could you have sex with me while I laid unconscious? Only to let me believe I had gotten some sort of infection in my lower region the next day…because my woman spot felt different? It hurt.
How could you do that to me, only to prey on the next time I get drunk with the woman you live with, the woman you are going to marry? Did you put something in my drink to make me pass out, or did I merely drink entirely too much?? I don’t know.
I shouldn’t have been drinking…and this wouldn’t have happened?
I shouldn’t have come around after the first feeling I got when it felt like something wasn’t right down there?
I shouldn’t have put myself in that same situation regardless of whether or not I had proof of what you had done to me.
Maybe not…maybe I shouldn’t have been drinking…Maybe I shouldn’t have come back around believing that there is no way my friend would do this to me…Maybe I should have spoke up the first time I thought you did something…but I thought nobody would believe me. I thought they would think I was a wild party girl who couldn’t remember violating her best friends trust…no.
I am NOT to blame. It is NOT my fault that YOU took advantage of certain situations and it is NOT my fault that you weren’t satisfied with one woman and felt the need to penetrate any woman who loses consciousness. I am NOT to blame that I woke up to you forcing your hands in my panties and your tongue in my mouth. I am NOT to blame that you violated my trust in you and in all men.
I AM NOT TO BLAME. YOU ARE.
I am not to blame that you violated my body.
You took something special from me….something that has been so hard for me to give to loved ones…
You took my trust.
Trust in friends, because if a friend could do to me what you did to me, I was terrified of what a complete stranger might do to me.
Trust in myself, because I no longer trusted myself to make decisions regarding my future, past or even my present.
You almost broke me….but I am stronger than that…
I have a soul mate sent to me from God to be by my side, to hold me when I had a nightmare.
I woke up screaming and sobbing from the nightmares you caused…and he…my soul mate, held me until the fear calmed and the dream passed and held me as I fell back asleep…being as patient as ever when it came to me accepting the touch of a man.
My soul mate, my husband, the father of my children, is the one and only reason you no longer are the cause of many sleepless nights, and he is the reason I no longer wonder what if….
What if I had never spent time in your home…with your family.
What if…after the first time you hurt me, I would have pressed charges
What if the things you did to me, you have done to others.
God has given me a person, a husband and a soul mate to help me build up what you managed to destroy in a short time.
He has given me a lot…He even gave me you.
Yes you….you, who hurt me so and broke my heart when I finally opened my eyes to your wicked ways and saw what you were doing while I layed unconscious….
Had he not given me you, he wouldn’t have given me him…and I don’t blame God….I don’t blame me…
I blame you.
**Note to my readers, This happened almost ten years ago. I suffered and suffered and I am done suffering…I am done being ashamed of what happened to me. I am going to stand up and be proud of who I am and what I have in my life…even if it came out of something absolutely horrible. The best thing that came out of this “thing” that my “friend” did to me, I found a man, that would stand by my side…from the beginning…before the fibromyalgia took over, he was there for me…to lean on, cry on and when I felt like scream with…and now…I am proud to say that because of the love of my husband, ,my family and friends….without you all….I am nothing…and I am proud to say that because of all of you and because of GOD, I am who I am today, and I am proud of that. I am not rich in monies (I’m not poor either…we are comfortable)and I do not have the fanciest of everything or much of anything fancy, and even if I did have all that money…I wouldn’t have the big fancies, I’m a simple girl with simple taste…I’d just have more land for more animals…yes, yes…I am my mother’s daughter! I got a little off track there(it happens to me a lot)…I do not have thousands upon thousands in the bank…but I am rich. I have a husband that I love with every fiber of my being and all of my heart…he completes me(if I may get corny for a moment…). I have two wonderful and rotten all at the same time children who tell me on a daily basis…even when I can’t play with them that they love me and they tell me this several times a day. I have money in the bank, and we are comfortable…sometimes money gets tight, but we are doing great…but I would take all the money I have in the bank and burn it…if it meant I would NEVER lose my family and friends.
Since my fibro diagnosis I have tried to make it a point to let people in my life who have been so helpful to me, either by reading my blogs(which is greatly appreciated)or by listening to me cry on the phone or coming to my house to help me care for my kids…bring us lunch or clean my house…or coming and sitting with me when I can’t do anything else. I love my friends and family who take the time out of their busy busy schedules to let me know they are there for me.
Thats what family and friends are for right! you do the same thing when somebody needs you! you are right there!! sometimes i’m not very thoughtful or don’t know what to say or do to help, but i am here if you ever need something. love ya lots, LORI
Lori…I do NOT know what I would do without you!! For real.. I feel honored to have a friend like you and I am so thanful for all you do for me. You know exactly what to do and say…cause sometimes I don’t want anybody to say anything…just listen. You seem to know when I need a little boost too, becuase you are always right there to do that for me. I know you know this…but I would…in a heart beat…do the same for you…IN A HEART BEAT. I am thankful for you and all of my friends and family…but you and a select handful of people mean more to me than all the money in the world!
I’m very honored to be considered your internet friend. What you have gone through and be able to come through it with God’s help and the help of your soul mate. Writing about our experiences in life, I think, are very healthy for us. I myself have my own story, which someday I may write about, because of your courage. But you speak of your soul mate by saying that he “completes you”, my husband says that to me all the time. So no its not corny, its loving.
Thank you for your writing and also it makes others like myself to know that even though we don’t have the same experiences, we live separate lives, we are still so much alike, its comforting to know you aren’t alone.
Love you,
Susan
Hi sweetheart. I know you had touched on this subject when we last saw one another. I meant to ask you more about it but felt it would be inappropriate with so many others around.
You are so strong, Sarah. It’s hard to imagine there is still that little girl inside of you yet she is there, just the same. So when you talk about things like this it’s just very hard for me to remember the little girl IS there and the grown up Sarah didn’t take a knife to his testicles
I love you.
I LOVE YOU!!
I’m always here for you no matter what. You remember back when we lost Justin how sometimes we would just look up at the stars and talk to him. We were unable to hold hands but he listened. I’m unable to hold your hand and give you a shoulder when you need it. I can’t come over and help with your children. I’m so far away from the touch of a soft gentle hand but I’m here. When you need me or you are lonely do just that, find a star and speak to it. I love you with everything you are a sister to me not a friend but a sister. Love your life, your man and the beautiful children you had. That is by far the greatest thing you will ever need to do in your life.
Sarah,
I just wanted you to know how much you inspire me, as well as so many other women with the amount of strength you have. You are a very stong, beautiful person and I love you very much. You have been through many trying things in your life, some that have tested you and pushed you to your limits. You always make it through them, stronger and a better person than when you started. You show other people that there is light at the end of the tunnel and inspire them to take a stand for themselves. Out of all people you have helped, I have to say you have helped me many times. I love you, I could not ask for a better sister-in-law. Hopefully your sharing your story will inspire others to stand up for themselves as you have.
I love you. Please give Levi and Ruby hugs and kisses. Hope to see you Saturday.
Love,
Amanda