fibromommy

I’m writing in blue today, because this is how I feel.  I am in a ton of pain because of my hectic week last week, and the bike wreck I had at the beginning of last week.

My body decided it wasn’t going to let me do much more today…so I am homebound today and a little bit sad about this because my Aunt Donna is in town and I wanted so badly to have a good time with her….or at the very least go visit her.

My pickup is wrecked because a high schooler driving down main street was messing with his stupid cell phone, veered into the parking lane and rear-ended the pickup of one of my coworkers pickup two weeks ago…  We were helping out in the food stand and when he hit her parked pickup, it sent her into the rear end of my pickup, which in turn, hit the back of the other coworkers Jeep, sending it up onto the sidewalk.  I have been unable to go too many places because my husband has the carseats in the car, which he drives to work…and when he does remember to leave the carseats behind…I am scared to drive the pick up because it shakes so bad and the tailgate is screwed up and doesn’t stay latched on one side…so it flaps in the wind.  The insurance adjuster is supposed to come check things out for us and see if they are going to total it or if they are going to make us get it fixed.  I am personally hoping for it to be totalled because the frame is bent and now the transmission isn’t wanting to work right.  Steve got into it yesterday morning and had the pedal the floor and was barely moving for a while.  Our check engine light is on….it shakes when you drive it over 45 mph and the check engine light is on.  Not to mention the damage done to the outside of the vehicle.  I am terribly inconvenienced….and going to the next town over to get help from either my parents or my husband’s parents while in so much pain is pretty much impossible. 

Yesterday, father’s day, I made it my mission to make father’s day special for my husband Steve.  I managed to get breakfast done, pancakes, eggs, sausage and bacon…then after that there was nothing I could do.  I bent over and my back went out sort of.  I couldn’t stand back up.  I had to sit in my chair while my husband tried to take care of the house, and he did for the most part…but the kids were a completely different story. 

For the last week, my kids have been unbelievable naughty.  They are fighting non-stop, and most of the time over something as stupid as a spoon or whatever else they can find.  This caused my husband to be super stressed out yesterday and he walked around slamming things, and yelling at the kids, and I tried to keep the kids under control so he didn’t have to deal with that but I failed miserably.  The kids didn’t listen to either of us…at ALL.  I ended up causing Steve more work, and he didn’t say it but it was painfully obvious by the snide comments he mumbled under his breath.  He wanted a nice day and I couldn’t give it to him.  Steve is normally so good about my fibro that when he gets like this, it makes it worse on me…stress is a bad BAD thing for fibromyalgia, and when I know I am causing him his issues I stress.  I asked him to leave, go somewhere and have some time for himself and I would watch the kids.  He refused and continued to go around slamming things.  I couldn’t keep the kids from fighting and I couldn’t do anything yesterday and he was mad at me for it.  He knows it’s not really my fault but the fibromyalgia instead, but sometimes it’s hard to differentiate the fibro from the person.  We had a little chat and we were a little happier by the time he went to bed….but it doesn’t make a difference on my body.  I hurt from my hair to my toes and there isn’t anything in between that doesn’t hurt. 

On top of it all, I have lost my voice.  This happens to me occasionally and it takes forEVER to get it back…and the fact that I can’t raise my voice to keep the kids under control…they can barely hear me makes it worse because they just go ahead and continue to beat each  other up today and fight over everything and when I tell them no, they do it anyways…because they know mommy can’t get up.  It takes everything out of me to get up and discipline.  I can’t do timeout today because they fight me and today they are stronger than me….

Ruby is always wanting to sit on the potty but she gets off and on and I don’t have the strength to keep going back to the potty with her and taking her diaper off of her so she can sit on the potty, just to have her ask to do it 5 or 10 or 20 minutes later.  I know she is showing signs of being ready to potty train, but she is just playing.  I want her to know that the potty is for pooping and peeing not getting up and down off of it.  She has only pottied in the toilet like twice and that was over 3 months ago.  I have tried having her wear underwear and she pees in them the minute she gets in them and will wait to get off of the toilet to potty…on the floor or in her panties.  I have tried pullups and after she pees her pants she tells me potty and when I let her sit on the potty it’s up and down and up and down and normally because she has already pottied in her pants and no longer has to go.  She throws an all out temper tantrum, screaming and crying and yelling when I take her off…and she will throw this tantrum from anywhere from 5 minutes all the way up to 30 minutes.  Lately, it’s been closer to the 30 minutes.  I can’t get her to go potty when she is dry…she just gets up and down but wants to be on it all the time.  I can’t.  I am not a normal mommy, I don’t have the energy or strength to do this when I am flaring.  I am in tears today.  My kids won’t listen to me and as I type, Ruby is throwing a tantrum because she peed her diaper after being on the potty for 20 minutes and now wants to go to the potty again.  I am at my wit’s end with her.  I am so frustrated.  Levi is 4 years old and pretty darn heavy and he is forever wanting to sit on me….and when he sits on me she wants to as well, and then they fight over who sits where and scream at each other, all while I am in the middle of it…if my kids aren’t on me, my dogs or the dog I am babysitting is all over me and the kids’ hands and feet and the dogs paws all feel like sledgehammers when they climb on my legs.  I feel like I have bruises all over my legs whenever they are touched.  I don’t know how to keep the kids happy.  I have tried to be happy myself and even force myself to try to play with them, but only get a couple of minutes in before I am too exhausted to move again.  I have tried leaving the tv on their favorite channel and that doesn’t matter, they still fight, so then I try to watch something I might enjoy and they fight even louder and harder.  I am in the worst pain I have been in in a long time and it’s just too hard today.  Please GOD grant me the strength to get through this day…and through this flare.  I should know better than to go out and celebrate a relative’s wedding and work all in the same week….I don’t even know which thing I did was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I over did it big time.

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