fibromommy

I am super frustrated.  I was doing so well.  I was having fairly normal days with pain for the most part controlled, or at least at a bearable level and I thought to myself…”wow, I must really have my fibromyalgia under control!  I have been feeling so good(good for me is not the same as good for others though)”  I thought that for the first time, I had control over all of the frustrating things that fibro throws at me…then I found out that the fibromyalgia was merely teasing me.

I went on vacation…which I have already blogged about and even through the frustrations over flights and gates and yada yada yada…and walking forever in a zoo and running around every day I was still doing so good….my pain was actually better than it had been in a very long time…and I thought, “wow if this keeps up…I will be able to stay off of my pain meds.”  Guess again.  A couple of days before coming home, I started to have an anxiety attack over my children and traveling and other things I care not to discuss at the moment and since then I have not been able to get back on top of my fibromyalgia.  I have tried, unsuccessfully, to get back on the treadmill…only day since being back because being on my feet feels like I have razor blades in my heels and my hips and knees are causing me extreme pain and my pain pills are just barely taking the edge off.  I am not doing so hot.  I know if I could have just gotten a hold on my anxieties…this may not be happening…but it was something so totally out of my control.

Yesterday was my father’s in law birthday and of course it was Memorial day weekend and my brother in law came home for a visit(he lives a ways away).  I had to spoil the day at the inlaws house because I just couldn’t fake not hurting any longer.  I felt foolish because I allowed people to see the amount of pain I was feeling and even showed them a few of my tears.  I am not the kind of person who is comfortable with appearing weak, and that is exactly what has been happening to me.  I appear weak because I am weak.  I don’t like to show my weakness when it comes to my fibromyalgia, I don’t mind talking about it and telling people how I am feeling, and explaining exactly how I feel to people who truly want to know but I do not like to let people see me cry because of my fibromyalgia.  To me, it’s humiliating.  I don’t like to cry…and when I get angry, I cry, when I get frustrated, I cry.  I guess crying is a way I deal with my emotions. …but I still don’t like people to see that part of me.

My pain today and for the last almost week…my pain has been like this….from the base of my head I have a tight achey feeling on top of a burning sensation…like my neck is burning, my shoulders are burning and tight, and my muscles between my shoulder blades are exremely tense causing typing and drawing and writing to be painful for me, my arms are so weak and useless feeling, my stomach isn’t too bad although when my pain levels get super high I get pretty queasy, my hips hurt so bad every step causes me to feel like I just want to cry, my knees are the same as my hips as well as my calves and thighs and as I mentioned before, my feet feel like I have razor blades in them slicing away every time I take a step, and when that pain lets up, it still feels like my bones are trying to push our the bottom of my feet and my hands also feel that way like the bones could come right out of my skin.  I am getting odd little stabbing/shooting pains in my arms as I type and my legs feel like they are on fire.  I have not been this miserable in a long time…and my husband has to go to work tomorrow so that means I am on my own with these aches and pains and this misery while trying to care for my rugrats.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS